I had purposely stayed at the
back of the crowd in order to avoid seeing Jesus. Watching them lay him there
on the wood, seeing them drive the stakes into his hands—the hands I had seen
and touched and held before—it would be too difficult.
Mary’s lot was far worse, however, and she had surely
kept as close to him as she could.
I stared at the ground as I pressed through the alleyways,
pardoning myself past the people milling about in the morning air. They didn’t
realize that their Lord was dying right now, just outside the city. My swallows
came more frequently as I tried to keep the sobs from spilling out of my chest.
One broke free when I came to a crossroads. The dirt before
me still bore an inch-deep scar all along the path through the alley and around
the corner. His cross.
I crouched to the ground and held my face in my hands.
The people stepped on the fringes of my dress, stepped right on the cross-made
furrow with their filthy sandaled feet. My
Lord, I cried within my heart. My
Lord, my God.
