Dance-ish

On Thursday, I got to go watch my friend's roommate dance in a dance competition.

"Smooth" was the category, under which fell dances like the tango, the waltz. The partnerships were spray-tanned and hair-sprayed; made up with the darkest eyeliner and the shiniest sparkled hair jewels. The dresses splayed like birds' wings as the girls spun--hot pink, whispering blue, white with black embroidery. Their movements bled one into another like a long silken ribbon.

The individual partners dances gave way to group dances; to music with beats that echoed in my skeleton and punctuated the dancers' gestures. Twirl, pose, stomp, twirl, and twirl and twirl and twirl until surely they will topple over--but they don't.

They are so free, and I am almost free just watching them. If only I could get up and join them myself:

Smiling like mad. Glitter radiating from my bare arms. The shine from my earrings perforating the stage light. Eyelids gliding over my contacts in pleasure, pleasure only half-faked for the stage. Blind to the audience, but alive in my own shining sphere of spotlight.

Few things are so like dancing--singing, writing, drawing, laughing. These things let us open our souls to the world and vacuum up all the good that's in it, and release some good into it, too.

I'm taking a ballet class this summer.

Let the vacuuming begin.

Dream-ish

This week, my brother got his pilot's license.

It is one thing to reach a goal or make it to a milestone in life, but it is quite another to fulfill a dream. See, my brother has been dreaming about being a pilot basically since his toddler years. He drew planes, he wrote about planes, he memorized the names of planes, he collected model planes, he hung the model planes from his bedroom ceiling, he kept his model planes and probably has his favorite ones on a shelf somewhere in his new apartment (he's married now, by the way).

His dreams are real. He can take one of those Cessnas up by himself, for himself, and sail the sky with elevators and ailerons flapping in the wind.

He dreams of sitting in the cockpit of a Boeing seven-forty-something and carrying his passengers through the sea of endless, sunshiney blue to their destination. He dreams of clicking the intercom speaker and telling his passengers, "If you look under your seats, you'll find a free pizza! ... Just kidding."

He dreams still. I so admire that.

Start your dreams, or start your dreaming. Life is short and long and fun and hard and full of possibilities to fulfill whatever you can come up with. So start.

Courage-ish

I tried to listen to the Senegalese man at the front of the auditorium, but even though he was speaking French, his accent was a little funny and my vocabulary didn't match his.

My friend, sitting behind me, tapped my shoulder. He had to leave for a class. That meant it was almost 4:30. Which meant it was almost 4:50. Which meant it was almost 5:00. Which meant it was almost time.

An urge to use the loo struck me across the face (or, bladder?) once the presentation ended and I was leaving the auditorium. But I couldn't stop! It was too late! I needed to make my way up to the third floor.

I met my old French professor at the elevator. We took up a brief conversation (in French, of course) while waiting for the old lift to make its way down to us. He was pleasant and encouraging when I explained the situation. He left me on the third floor at the professor's office.

I had to wait a few minutes for the previous meeting to end. Then, it was my turn.

My turn for the interview. The interview in French. The interview in French, the language I've studied for years but still don't speak very well. The interview in French, the language I don't speak, for the Les Petits Freres des Pauvres internship in France this summer.

Me? Go to France? Me? By myself? During a summer? This summer? Me?

My heart was beating, my mind was whirling, my thoughts were praying.

But, oh good ish--the interview wasn't in French.

Five-ish

The truth is, five years ago today, I almost died.

It's not really frightening anymore to think about because five years is very much a milestone year point. Five years, ten years, twenty-five years--and then suddenly, the actual event is just a string amidst a tapestry of experience. This is especially true when it is easy to forget that a metal defibrillator sits below my left collarbone and when my heart beats with a steady thump-thump-thump day and night and day and night and day and night. The truth is, one day five years ago it stopped doing that.

Life is a gift, and one that I sometimes feel I don't deserve.

Because the truth is, life doesn't need me.

But the Lord knew that in order for me to become the person I can be, I needed life. That is why I'm still here.

This week, my friends did a good ish by giving me these cute cards--five each, to commemorate the five years. It was a good ish because, again, life is a gift. It is a gift because of what is in it.

Bad-ish

My tagline says "Good ishes happen every week." Which is quite true. Sometimes, though--well, most of the times--bad ishes happen during the week, too.

Honestly I don't really have bad days, but Friday was a bad day. (Mind you, the evening was much better. We're talking about the day, however). Granted, most everything of the bad-ish-sort was my own fault.

I woke up late when I wanted to wake up early. I got interrupted in my scripture study by two texts--one from my mother and one from Verizon Wireless--both telling me that I need to send in my broken phone or else pay for the new one they gave me. Panicked, I set to work trying to figure out how to erase my old phone and send it in, figure out where to send it and how. Then my mom was like, you can go get your passport today. My cousin was going to the post office to renew his, it was a perfect time. But I also had to do homework and finish writing an essay for an internship application. I did almost no homework. The application essay didn't get finished until Saturday. I waited in line at the post office for about an hour in vain--no passport for me yet.

Perhaps it is because I am just me, perhaps it is because I am a girl, perhaps it is because of both ("me" rather implies "girl," you know)--but I was stressed and upset and down as all this passed throughout the day.

But as I said before, it only lasted a day.

Bad ishes are temporary. They are much more temporary than good ishes, because once they are gone we are much more apt to cast off the memory of them, as it is unpleasant. A bad day comes along every once in a while, but it is only that.

Only a day.

Follow Up/Through-ish

About Tuesday of last week, I started feeling that one feeling (that little niggling feeling that suspends somewhere between my heart and my stomach), but deeper, and more niggling.

I had written on my planner "SNIP" because I knew I needed to follow my own advice and visit someone. I even had someone in mind! But it took a while to actually follow through.

AKA two days.

Nevertheless, two days is a long time when you have a niggling feeling between your heart and your stomach. It borders on guilt as if anticipating that you won't follow through in the end.

Luckily for me, I did follow through, on Thursday night around 7:00. I took a piece of the treat my friend had made. went over to the girl's house (conveniently next door to mine). I saw a guy at the table through the window, though, so I passed by her door and scurried into my apartment. It didn't matter: the feeling in my stomach was no longer niggling, but determined, set, decided. So I went back out, telling myself it didn't matter about this guy, and knocked on her door.

The guy was just a guy--he was leaving as I came in. I set the treat before her and asked about her life.

The conversation was short, just skimming the surface of details about the week. She loved the treat. I expressed my willingness to help her whenever she needed it. Then I left.

Just a few short minutes. I don't think she'll remember it for the rest of her life. But I think it helped.

Point-ish

This week I had two pairs of friends come visit me, each pair on separate occasions.

They may have come on church assignment, but that's not the point. Far from it, in fact.

The point is that I had two pairs of friends come visit me! On separate occasions!

If only we could all understand the influence we can have in others' lives if we just go see them. If only I could fully understand. I know how great I feel when people snip a decent half hour out of their calendars just for me, yet how often do I snip one out for others? Boy, do I need to sharpen my time scissors.

Notes, hugs, and friendly smiles can do wonders, but there is something special about a one-on-one, ya know? (Or a two-on-one, in my case.) A special sense of support. Of care. A person wants to know that you have prepared and wanted to come see them. Or that you didn't prepare at all and just wanted to come see them! Good gravy, if that Dollar Giver didn't have the right idea... We need each other! So take your scissors to your planner for this week! Cut out a half hour, or five minutes, or two hours--just enough time to serve, love, visit, minister to someone. You'll really be helping lift the weight of the world from their shoulders.

Snip.